Empowering Teens: Recognizing the Signs of Control and Abuse in Relationships
TL;DR
Isolation/Exclusion: Abuser cuts off the victim from friends and support systems to increase dependency.
Peer Pressure: Abuser uses social influence to manipulate the victim into unwanted behaviors.
Anger/Emotional Abuse: Victim is constantly blamed, insulted, or guilt-tripped, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s emotions.
Using Social Status: Abuser leverages popularity or social standing to dominate and control the victim.
Threats & Intimidation: Fear is used to control the victim, whether through threats of harm or destruction of property.
Minimizing, Denying, & Blaming: Abuser downplays or denies their actions, making the victim doubt their experiences.
Violating Privacy: The abuser invades the victim’s privacy, demanding access to phones, messages, or tracking their whereabouts.
Sexual Coercion: The victim is pressured or manipulated into unwanted sexual activity.
Equality-Based Behaviors:
Honesty & Accountability: Open communication and taking responsibility for one’s actions.
Respect: Valuing boundaries, opinions, and emotions without judgment.
Negotiation & Fairness: Compromising and making decisions together.
Non-Threatening Behavior: Ensuring emotional safety and handling conflicts calmly.
Shared Responsibility & Power: Both individuals share tasks and decision-making equally.
Trust & Support: Providing encouragement and reliability while fostering independence.
Communication: Expressing thoughts and feelings openly and empathetically.
Self-Confidence & Personal Growth: Supporting each other’s individuality and goals, promoting self-esteem.
Teen relationships are a powerful part of growing up. These formative connections—whether romantic or within peer groups—can significantly shape a teen’s sense of self-worth, emotional health, and understanding of how relationships work. Unfortunately, many young people may not recognize unhealthy dynamics in their relationships, especially when it involves emotional manipulation or control.
The "Teen Abuse of Power & Control" and "Teen Use of Equality" wheel serves as a guide to understanding behaviors that either harm or support healthy relationships. In this blog post, we’ll break down these categories in more detail, helping teens, parents, and educators recognize both toxic and healthy behaviors.
The Inner Circle: Teen Abuse of Power & Control
The inner circle identifies tactics used to dominate, control, and manipulate another person. These behaviors may not always be physical but can be equally damaging by eroding self-esteem, independence, and emotional well-being. Let's look at each category of power and control.
Isolation/Exclusion
Isolation is one of the most dangerous tactics an abuser uses to gain control. By cutting off the victim from friends, family, and supportive communities, the abuser increases the victim’s dependency on them. Isolation can be subtle, such as discouraging the victim from spending time with friends, or more overt, like forbidding contact with others.
Examples of isolation/exclusion include:
Discouraging friendships: Making the victim feel guilty or anxious about spending time with others.
Preventing social activities: Actively blocking the victim from attending events or participating in group activities.
Making excuses: Claiming the relationship is more important than friendships or family ties to keep the victim isolated.
"Isolation is one of the most dangerous tactics an abuser uses to gain control."
Peer Pressure
In teen relationships, peer pressure can be a powerful force. The abuser may manipulate the victim by threatening their social standing or using influence within their peer group to force the victim into behaviors they don’t want to engage in. Peer pressure in relationships isn’t just about conforming to social norms—it’s a tactic of control.
Examples of peer pressure include:
Threatening social exclusion: "If you don’t do this, everyone will think you're weird."
Using popularity as leverage: "You’re lucky to be with me—people would drop you in a second."
Spreading rumors: Using the fear of gossip to manipulate the victim into compliance.
Anger/Emotional Abuse
Anger and emotional abuse are subtle yet powerful forms of control. Abusers may use constant criticism, humiliation, and guilt-tripping to wear down the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s emotions. This form of manipulation can make the victim feel worthless, dependent, or like they have to "earn" love and approval.
Signs of anger/emotional abuse include:
Verbal insults: Regularly calling the victim names or putting them down.
Guilt-tripping: "If you loved me, you wouldn’t make me so mad."
Humiliation: Publicly embarrassing the victim to assert dominance.
Using Social Status
In teenage relationships, social dynamics play a significant role. An abuser may use their social status or popularity to manipulate and control their partner. They may make the victim feel unworthy or "lucky" to be in the relationship and threaten to use their social influence against them.
Examples of using social status include:
Manipulating popularity: "You’re with the most popular person here—don’t mess it up."
Controlling social circles: Deciding who the victim can be friends with to maintain control over their social life.
Threatening reputation: Using fear of public humiliation or social exclusion to keep the victim compliant.
"An abuser may use their social status or popularity to manipulate and control their partner."
Threats & Intimidation
Threats and intimidation involve creating a climate of fear. Abusers may make their partners feel unsafe by threatening harm, using physical gestures, or destroying property. Even if violence is never carried out, the constant fear of it can be enough to control the victim.
Signs of threats and intimidation include:
Verbal threats: "If you leave me, I’ll hurt you or myself."
Aggressive body language: Looming over the victim, getting physically close in a threatening way.
Destroying property: Breaking the victim’s belongings as a way to instill fear.
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming
An abuser will often deny their harmful actions, shift blame, or minimize their behavior, making the victim question their own experiences. This gaslighting leaves the victim feeling confused, guilty, or unsure about what’s real.
Examples of minimizing and denying include:
Gaslighting: "That didn’t happen the way you think it did."
Blaming the victim: "You made me act this way—it’s your fault."
Downplaying: "You’re overreacting—it wasn’t that bad."
"An abuser will often deny their harmful actions, shift blame, or minimize their behavior, making the victim question their own experiences."
Violating Privacy
An abuser may invade the victim’s privacy to exert control, often under the guise of "concern." This can include reading texts, demanding social media passwords, or tracking the victim’s movements. This behavior erodes trust and creates an environment of constant surveillance.
Examples of violating privacy include:
Reading personal messages: Checking the victim’s phone or emails without permission.
Demanding passwords: Insisting on access to the victim’s social media accounts.
Tracking location: Using apps or other methods to monitor where the victim goes.
Sexual Coercion
Sexual coercion involves pressuring someone into unwanted sexual activities. This can be through manipulation, guilt, or threats. Consent should always be enthusiastic and freely given, and coercion—whether subtle or overt—is a form of abuse.
Signs of sexual coercion include:
Manipulative guilt: "If you really loved me, you would do this."
Threatening to leave: "If you don’t do this, I’ll find someone who will."
Ignoring boundaries: Pushing for sexual activity even after the victim says no.
The Outer Circle: Teen Use of Equality
In contrast, the outer circle of the wheel illustrates behaviors that foster healthy, supportive relationships. Equality is the foundation of a relationship where both people feel valued, heard, and respected. Let’s explore the positive behaviors that promote mutual growth and understanding.
Honesty & Accountability
Healthy relationships are built on open communication and honesty. Each person takes responsibility for their actions and addresses conflicts in a transparent and respectful manner. Accountability means owning mistakes and working together to find solutions.
Signs of honesty and accountability include:
Admitting when you're wrong: Taking responsibility for mistakes and working to make things right.
Being transparent: Communicating openly about feelings, concerns, and boundaries.
Apologizing sincerely: Offering genuine apologies when necessary and making an effort to change harmful behavior.
Respect
Respect is at the heart of any healthy relationship. It means honoring boundaries, valuing opinions, and ensuring that both people feel safe and heard. Respect fosters an environment where each individual can grow without fear of judgment or control.
Examples of respect include:
Listening actively: Paying attention when the other person speaks without interrupting or dismissing their views.
Valuing boundaries: Respecting personal, emotional, and physical boundaries without question.
Validating feelings: Acknowledging each other’s emotions as real and important.
"Respect fosters an environment where each individual can grow without fear of judgment or control."
Negotiation & Fairness
Negotiation and fairness are crucial to maintaining balance in relationships. Healthy relationships involve give-and-take, where both people feel their needs are equally considered. This means compromising without resentment and ensuring that neither partner holds more power.
Examples of negotiation and fairness include:
Compromising respectfully: Working through disagreements in a way that both people feel heard and respected.
Mutual decision-making: Sharing responsibility in decisions that affect the relationship.
Fair conflict resolution: Finding middle ground in conflicts without imposing control or guilt.
Non-Threatening Behavior
In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe to express themselves without fear of retaliation or punishment. Non-threatening behavior ensures that disagreements and conflicts are handled calmly and respectfully.
Signs of non-threatening behavior include:
Respecting emotional safety: Never using threats, intimidation, or aggression to control the other person.
Handling disagreements calmly: Discussing issues without yelling, insulting, or becoming physically threatening.
Encouraging openness: Creating an environment where both people feel comfortable sharing their thoughts.
Shared Responsibility & Power
Shared responsibility and power ensure that both individuals have an equal say in the relationship. Neither person dominates decision-making or imposes their will on the other. Responsibilities are divided fairly, and both individuals contribute equally.
Examples of shared responsibility include:
Equal decision-making: Ensuring both people’s voices are considered in important matters.
Fair division of tasks: Sharing the load in everyday responsibilities and challenges.
Empowering each other: Supporting each other’s autonomy and independence.
Trust & Support
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. In relationships based on equality, trust is built through reliability, honesty, and emotional support. Both people should feel confident that they can rely on one another for encouragement and care.
Signs of trust and support include:
Being emotionally available: Offering a listening ear and encouragement during hard times.
Reliability: Keeping promises and showing up when needed.
Supporting independence: Encouraging each other to pursue personal goals without fear of jealousy.
"Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship."
Communication
Open and respectful communication is vital in any relationship. Healthy relationships involve expressing feelings, needs, and concerns clearly, while also listening empathetically to each other. Communication should be free from judgment, anger, or emotional manipulation.
Examples of healthy communication include:
Talking openly: Expressing feelings, thoughts, and concerns without fear of judgment.
Listening actively: Being attentive and responsive when the other person shares their feelings.
Resolving conflicts together: Working through disagreements constructively without shutting down or escalating tension.
Self-Confidence & Personal Growth
In a healthy relationship, both individuals feel empowered to be themselves. They support each other’s personal growth and encourage each other to pursue their own interests and goals. Self-confidence is nurtured, not diminished, in a relationship based on equality.
Signs of self-confidence and personal growth include:
Supporting each other’s goals: Encouraging personal development and celebrating achievements.
Maintaining independence: Fostering a sense of individuality outside the relationship.
Building self-esteem: Creating an environment where both people feel valued and respected.
Empowering teen Relationships
Teen relationships can be empowering, supportive spaces for growth—or they can be places where control and manipulation take root. By understanding the difference between equality and control, teens can learn to navigate their relationships with confidence, ensuring that they are building connections based on respect, trust, and mutual support.
Encouraging teens to recognize these dynamics can prevent unhealthy behaviors from becoming normalized and promote stronger, healthier relationships that nurture self-confidence and personal growth.
Building Healthier Teen Relationships
Empowering teens with the knowledge to recognize the difference between control and equality is crucial for fostering healthy relationships. Encourage open conversations about respect, boundaries, and trust, and provide teens with resources like the Power & Control Wheel to help them understand these dynamics.
If you or someone you know is experiencing an unhealthy relationship, reach out for support. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and equality—let’s work together to ensure every teen has the tools to build strong, empowering connections.
Book your consultation now and take the next step toward creating relationships grounded in trust, respect, and equality.
